Category: Being human

SiriusXM radio added a new channel recently. It was the Johnny Carson channel. It constantly played old Johnny Carson shows. I found it oddly interesting and entertaining.

On the dash display in my car it told me the date that the show was broadcast. As I drove, I found myself thinking about what I was doing when the show was on television. More than that, I thought about who I was, what my world was like and how I perceived the world. It was a really interesting mental exercise. 

One morning on my drive to work, I was 13 years old. It was in the winter. I imagined my 8^th grade science teacher. I can still picture the arrangement of chairs in the room. I thought about my friends. I thought about what was important to us and what our world looked like then. I thought about how I would have perceived what Johnny and his guests were talking about. 

The other day it was August 1974. I was 9 years old. I remembered how 9-year-old me thought about the performer that Johnny was interviewing. It was in the summer. In an instant I was thinking of riding my bike and playing outside. I imagined the long summer evenings and the heat. I thought of the sound of the fan that we would have set up in a window hoping it would cool off the upstairs bedrooms just a little. 

Recently I was thinking about a friend who went through a very hard time. It hit me that I was filtering my perceptions of his experience through me and my current life. I shifted gears a bit. I thought about what I was like and where I was in life at his age. The change in perspective was strong and powerful. Things seemed to click. It made me understand more. It seemed to make things make more sense.

Filters.

That is the word that came to my mind when I was thinking about all of this. We all have certain ways in which we perceive our world. We filter through all the of data that is coming in so that we can process it. Our present and past realities and experiences impact on how we perceive what is going on. I guess that is obvious. But it amazed me how much difference it made in my ability to empathize and understand just by trying to shift my filters a bit.

I filter my understanding of others and their experiences through the filter of my own past. Where I am now and how I think brings certain assumptions to how I think about what others are going through.

It isn’t true.

They have their own filters and tools that they use to interpret the world. Their past is not my past. Their present reality is not my present reality.

And both understandings may not be entirely correct.

I cannot and should not assume that I can fully empathize. 

But I also have a desire to help them, if I am able, so that they do not have to suffer or struggle or make errors that I made. 

Can I be so wise as to look through both sets of eyes? Like putting on special glasses where you could dial in different colored or polarized lenses or filters, could I attempt to look at the world through my eyes first and then push myself to at least try to look through their eyes? The goal of course then is to synthesize both together into a more complete and accurate understanding.  This achieved then I could decide what comes next. 

Sometimes it will be nothing. Silence, caring understanding, and empathy is often the best response. 

Sometimes it will be an attempt to help. But hopefully it will come from a perspective of compassion and looking how to communicate a foreign concept to them that took me years to learn or figure out. It is almost like speaking a different language but more than that – a different emotion – or interpretation of what is happening. I cannot and should not force my understanding on them. It took me a long time to gain that. But can I be an interpreter? Can I carry over the wisdom of my past failures or successes or multiple years of similar experiences and then translate them into their understanding? 

To one friend suffering with a serious illness, the multiple filter analysis taught me to better feel his pain. No words. Silence. But compassion.

To another when she asked for help, it was an exhortation for the strength she needed to walk through a very hard situation. There was a hope that helping her see through the cloud of emotions to a balanced truth would keep her from being destroyed.

What am I trying to say?  Don’t assume that how you think is how others think. Step one is to acknowledge that you might not be able to truly understand. This is especially important when it comes to your kids. Push yourself to remember what it was like. I still vividly remember the traumas and major events of my teen years. The events were and still are earth shaking. That is what your kids are living. Dial in the setting for your old “teenage filters” to view their reality. Understand that it still may not be entirely accurate, but it might help you to be a bit more understanding.

There is a risk of course. You could do this and then assume that you truly do know and understand. Be careful to not presume. You are doing this so that you can listen and really hear more clearly. It is not so that you can jump to conclusions or judge others. 

Johnny Carson got me thinking about how differently I have seen things at different points in my life. SiriusXM only ran that channel for a month. It is isn’t on anymore. But I am thankful for how it made me think differently. 

What advice or how would you have supported 9-year-old you? Or 13-year-old you? Or 24-year-old you?

Scene 1: Recent. We are driving around Prince Edward Island (PEI).

If you have never been to see PEI, I highly recommend it. There are beautiful rolling green hills of farmland stretching down to touch the sea. The earth is a deep red color unlike anywhere else I have ever seen. The grass and the trees are peaceful and remind me of all that is good on this earth. The breaking waves of the water are beautiful and soothing and relaxing.  On our first trip to PEI, Sarah would laugh at me. As we drove around, I would say, “Wow!” each and every time we crested a hill. This last trip was no different. 

The grass and trees and fields and rolling hills challenge me. 

How am I living my life? Am I being foolish? Am I missing the deep wisdom of the earth and of nature? I wonder about our lives. More specifically I wonder about my life. I see the beauty and the quiet and a slower way of life. I too often seem to just speed along. I want to slow down to feel the peace of the trees and grass and fields, but fear that I don’t. 

This is where LM Montgomery lived when she wrote the, “Anne of Green Gables” books. We stood where her house was. I imagined her sitting in a chair looking out her window at the rolling hills. I wondered about the richness of having time to stop and reflect and think. I again felt the overwhelming desire to have a life that allows for reflection and thought. 

A year ago, that desire was intense. It was so strong that it was almost anger. I felt angry at the world – or maybe even myself – for living a life that moves so fast that it does not allow for time to breathe or reflect or even to just be. In the midst of the abrupt change that cancer brought to my life I vowed to never return to a life that lacks time for reflection. When it hurt to move, and sleep evaded, I suddenly had plenty of time to think. Blogging was a wonderful release and felt like stretching my seldom used “muscles” of deep introspective thought. It became and remains a sweet indulgence of feeling, thinking and being.

As we drove around PEI, the desire to live a life of reflection grew strong again. And the pressures and realities of living in this world once again made me angry and frustrated. Why does life so often feel like riding in a car moving at 100 mph with my head sticking out the window? The wind at first is thrilling but then it becomes numbing. You can feel and hear the world rushing by but do not really experience it. It is too intense. Life blasts by you. You endure rather than enjoy.

In Charlottetown we saw the “Anne of Green Gables” musical. In the performance, there is a scene with Matthew Cuthbert sitting down at the end of the day in a chair with a blanket over his lap. It was peaceful. There was no television. There was nothing to do. I wondered. Maybe I need to just stop and sit in a chair with a blanket over my lap so that I can just be. Maybe that is what I am seeking.  Maybe I need to run away to PEI or somewhere and stay.

Scene 2: Several years ago. I am on spring break in Orlando.  

Sarah went as a chaperone with Margaret on a trip with her high school chorale to Alaska. Dorothy was in college, so that left JJ and me. We travelled to Orlando. John (my nephew) also came with us. We planned our week with amusement parks but also with other activities. I had booked us at a nice condo with a big pool. One day’s schedule was to sit by the pool, reading and just relaxing. We decided on the day and we got all ready. We put on our swimsuits and sunscreen and gathered up towels and books and music and headphones. We settled into some nice chairs by the pool. 

It lasted about 10 minutes. 

JJ was restless. “Is this all we are going to do?” She wanted to be doing something. She didn’t want to come to Orlando to sit and not do anything. She wanted to be on the go. It didn’t seem very long before John and I relented. We were dressed again and on our way to walk around busy busy areas at Disney.  

That is JJ. She is an extrovert and someone who loves to be doing things. She loves to be on the go and moving. She wants to see and experience the world and grows restless if the world seems to slow down. She pushes us to do fun things and we love her for how she fills our world with activities.

To be honest, I sense this within myself. 

I struggle to reconcile these apparently conflicting things. On one hand I dream of just being. I am sitting in the window looking out at the grass and trees and hills and that is enough. I have time to reflect and think and am happy. I imagine myself as the calm and sedate author sitting at a desk by the window. Or perhaps I could be a farmer resting in the quiet of the evening, in a chair with a blanket over my lap. But on the other hand, I feel the restless pull. When you put me at home sitting in a chair, I can indeed grow restless. Too often my cell phone is in my hand. When I settle into the chair by the window, I end up on all varieties of social media. I get quickly pulled away from the solitude that I had planned as I sat down in the chair. In those moments I feel every bit of being JJ’s father. 

Sometimes I think that paradox is what appeals to me about sailing. It is in no way a passive activity. I can tweak and fuss and trim the sails. Maybe if I just let out a little bit of the genoa, I could get a little more speed. Or pull the traveler to windward a little bit more and put a bit more twist on the sail. Or turn the boat itself just a couple of degrees more to windward? Even on a gentle sunset cruise sailing can be a very active passive activity! 

So, what is it that I want?  I think I am a very confused person.

And yet – Anne…

Sarah loves the “Anne of Green Gables” stories. That is of course one of reasons that we first went to PEI. We went to the musical presentation. I have watched the movies. Sarah (and JJ) have read the books and just loved them. It is delightful to laugh at the antics and incredible imagination and creativity of Anne (with an “e” as she always says). 

In one scene they ask Anne (who was an orphan) what her name is:

Mrs. Blewitt: “What is your name girl?”

Anne: “I’m the Lady Cordelia de Montmorency, abducted by gypsies when I was three. I was born in a palace in Old Vienna, Danubian Waltzes my lullabies. And my father was Johann, with great moustaches, My mother Maria, with emerald eyes. If you’re wondering how I got here, I was kidnapped by this buccaneer, who took me to France and taught me to dance in his gypsy hide out in Tangier!”

The imagination captured in the character of Anne makes me laugh even now.

And then it occurred to me. Even within Anne – or within the mind of her creator (LM Montgomery) – was a mind that did not just sit. It was filled with adventures and activities. It is what makes the books so enjoyable.

It also makes me think of JJ. It makes me think of the same restlessness within me. As humans we have always enjoyed stories and books and adventures. We do not seem to be well suited for just sitting.  In the quiet existence that made up LM Montgomery’s life, her mind was filled with activity and adventure. She put into her Anne stories the wonders of her active mind. And in that is an understanding of balance. 

I still dream of sitting in the window looking out at the trees and grass and rolling fields. But I also understand that what I really want is to experience life in all of its fullness. I want to think and see and hear and feel and experience the adventure that is life in all of its richness and intensity. I want to know about you and your life. I want to muse and enjoy in the adventures that make up my life and your life.

Scene 3: Now. Sitting on the sofa in our sunroom.

I am sitting on the sofa trying to reconcile the mix of desires within me. I start typing away and the words flow out onto the screen. I hope that by some magic the words can make sense of it for me. I hope and dream that by some further magic they will touch and change you.  My heart wants to scream:

• Experience life! Live it! Love it! Feel it! Don’t just rush through it. Smell, taste, hear, really look.
• Doggedly insist on a life that has moments of reflection. If you never have time to think, you are going to regret it.  Don’t swallow your food so fast that you never stop to taste it. Don’t burn through your life so quickly that you never stop to reflect and experience and cherish what you are going through.
• There is nothing wrong with adventure! All of life is an adventure. There is nothing wrong with doing things – as long as you truly experience them. Don’t just do them to numb yourself. Go ahead and stick your head out the window. But do so to feel the cool rush of air blast past your face. Feel it. Experience it. And if it gets to the point where it feels numbing – pull your head back in so that you can listen and process and think and appreciate.  

Scene 4: The blog is posted. 

This is the scene that you get to be in. You are the main character. You are reading this blog online. You may have spent time looking over various social media posts. You dialed through them. But just perhaps – now – for a moment – you will go back – and look more deeply. You will look at the faces in the pictures. You will think about the experiences – or the adventures – that are captured there. For within Facebook or Twitter or Instagram are captured stories and adventures. Perhaps, you will use this time to reflect – think – feel – live – what you have seen on the screen. You will for just a moment have your cake and eat it too. You will see and experience and by reflection – enjoy.

And they all lived happily ever after. Isn’t that how all good stories are supposed to end?  But what is that? Perhaps it is to live with balance. Not boring and dull lives. Lives can and should be filled with adventure and all sorts of interesting stories and things. But also, they should be lives that retain time for reflection so that you don’t just go through life, but really live.

The End.