I had my repeat CT scans this week. I tried to remain calm. I went to work after my scans were done and tried to act normal. I felt better doing things. Busy was good.
I got the results early the next morning.
Better.
The lymph nodes that were there before measured a bit smaller. The conclusion: “No contrast-enhanced CT evidence of locoregional or distant metastatic disease. A prominent subcarinal lymph node and right hilar lymph nodes are largely stable in comparison to 5/14/2020.”
To put it plainly: Still not sure why these lymph nodes are enlarged. Maybe I had a bronchitis or allergies or something? They are not behaving like spread of my cancer.
That puts me back where I was before: The cancer could be completely gone. Or maybe not. I will continue with CT scans every 3 months and we will see.
Below is a blog that I wrote the week before I got my repeat CT scans. As usual, I wrote this as an honest expression of thought. I share it in the hope that others might identify and somehow it might be helpful.
The Dream
I couldn’t see.
I had that dream again last night.
It is a dream I have had many times in the past.
I am driving down the road and then suddenly I cannot see the road or anything in front of me. The dream I remember the most is driving at night in the rain. Suddenly everything is dark, and I cannot see the road. Last night the dream was driving in a snowstorm. I was following another car. I could see the car’s taillights. Suddenly the car slowed down. I assumed they were frustrated with me following them and wanted me to pass them. When I passed them however I was suddenly in a blinding snowstorm. I couldn’t see anything at all. I had just accelerated to pass them and was going at full speed and I couldn’t see.
It feels like I have closed my eyes. No matter how hard I try I can’t force my eyes open, or get them to clear enough so that I can see again. I know it is really bad. I am rushing down the road and I cannot see.
What do you do when you can’t see the road in front of you?
In the dream world, the answers may be a bit strange. I worried about slowing down too quickly because I had just passed the other car. I didn’t want to have him hit me. I felt like I had to keep driving. But yet, I couldn’t see anything. Certainly, I couldn’t continue to just drive forward without being able to see anything. I had to slow down. I had to do something.
I kept driving straight. I figured this was my best hope. Just keep going in the direction that I had been going in before I was no longer able to see. I hoped that I could somehow keep the car going straight down the road. I hoped the road would continue to be straight in front of me.
Slow down. I know it was foolish to keep moving. I needed to slow down in a controlled manner. If I was going to be running into disaster maybe it would be better if I wasn’t barreling toward it out of control.
Try to stop? This was what I thought I needed to do. Unless I were to regain some sight soon I should try to stop. This also seemed risky, however. I knew the other car was behind me and also likely to not be able to see me. It didn’t seem like it was an option. I had to just keep moving along.
Eventually in my dream, I came to a town. As I entered the town, things started to become visible. I saw houses and trees and then I could see the road again. I saw enough that I was able to pull over to the curb and stop and rest. When I did so, I began to think about all of the horrible things that could have happened to me in the storm. But they didn’t.
It is morning now. I am sitting alone in our sunroom and looking out the window. I can see. The early morning sun is soothing. The trees look beautiful. I breathed in deeply trying to take in the calm before I get ready for work. In that moment the dream came rushing back to me. I remember it suddenly in great detail.
Why do I have that dream?
Is it that I am currently driving forward and not sure where the road is going to go in front of me? Does it feel like my eyes are forced closed or frustratingly blinded?
I don’t feel stressed. I am not obsessing with worry. From a psychological standpoint I think I am fine. This dream comes as an unwanted intrusion on my understanding of myself.
But there is my upcoming CT scan to reassess some enlarged lymph nodes in my chest. I also have an ongoing issue with fatigue and lack of stamina. Where am I going? What is the future? I keep trying to see the road ahead. I blink and try clear my eyes and strain to see. No matter what I do, my vision is obscured.
That is not good. I am rushing down the road and I cannot see.
What do you do when you can’t see the road in front of you?
I keep driving straight. That seems the most logical thing to do. I will take whatever direction I was going in before the snow blocked my vision. I will just keep trying to point in that direction. I will just keep going on the same path. That is not a great answer, but it is the best that I have.
I think I should try to slow down. It doesn’t seem wise to be barreling ahead at full speed. The road might just suddenly turn in front of me.
But how do I slow down? What does that practically mean in how I live my life?
In my dream I cannot compel myself to push on the gas when I have lost my ability to see. So also, in my life I feel a loss of drive. I now see it is the exact same sensation. I cannot compel myself to push forward when I have lost my ability to see. I find myself pulling my foot off of the accelerator. It is not that I am stopping. But I just can’t make myself keep powering forward with the same intensity.
Earlier this week I was clearly getting frustrated with myself. In the past I have been driven by my calling and passion. I could push and push and push. But now, where is my drive? Where is my passion? Where is my energy? I find my foot is unable to push on the accelerator. My brain will not let me do it.
Can I stop? But just like in the dream, I don’t know where or how to safely stop. As odd as it is in the dream, I feel safer coasting along then I would if I slammed on the brakes.
In my dream the road didn’t turn. I miraculously didn’t drive off of the edge of a cliff or into a tree. Once I was able to see and then stop, I sighed a deep breath of relief. In that moment, I thanked God for guiding my car when I had no idea where the road was.
So also, now, in this moment I do the same thing. It is a helpless dependency. It is like driving at full speed and suddenly being unable to see. Maybe that is ok. Maybe that is what I am supposed to have in this moment. “Dear Lord, I cannot see. Please help me to not drive over the edge of a cliff.”
In my dream the town was a nice town. It wasn’t anything dramatic. But it was wonderful and soothing to have a place with people, and safety and the ability to pull over and stop and think. It was nice to be able to see again.
What is next? I wonder what the next town I am coming to is going to look like? I hope it is charming. I hope it has a curb with plenty of easy parking where I can stop for just a few minutes. I hope it has a lot of little shops and a real main street. Maybe we can get out and walk around and take a break for a little while. Then I will feel ready to climb back in the car and step on the accelerator again.
But for now, I drive on and try my best to control my car, even though I cannot see anything.
My CT scan showed no evident spread of my cancer. I am on summer vacation now.
For a moment my vision has cleared. I can see out of the windshield.
There is a nice little town. It has a parking space for us to stop. We are going to get out of the car and walk the street and look at the little shops. A little while later we will get back in our car and we will start driving again.
2 replies on “What Do You Do When You Cannot See See Out of the Windshield?”
Much love Mike!
Trust God! So easy to say the words but so hard to relinquish when we don’t see the road ahead.