Unsettled

I am fidgety. Unsettled. 

It is a really odd time. We have dropped clinical volumes in anticipation of the wave of illness that is coming and also to protect our patients (social distancing). This means that the cardiac units in the hospital and our cardiology clinics are an eerie quiet. And this is unsettling.

The unsettled feeling started last week with the social distancing. I have always loved a snow day. You would think that I would welcome the chance to be at home and just get caught up on things or just to not do much. But this is different. It all just feels wrong. I am still trying to figure out how to best deal with things inside myself.

I like to think of myself as someone who is rational and calm and able to handle stress. In this situation I am filled with an anxious and nervous energy. It can have a tendency to consume me.

I am a googler. It seems like I have become accustomed to thinking that I can find answers to anything online. Whenever there is an issue, I grab my phone or computer and begin looking. In the midst of this pandemic, there is no end to what I can find. I can read and read and read. It isn’t helping. I understand a lot more now, but it still doesn’t help with the unsettled feeling – the nervous energy – the idea that I am sitting here – and should be doing something – but there is not something to do – at least yet.

Sometimes I decide that the best thing to do is to get away from the screens. I should get off of all the social media and news feeds for a while for the sake of sanity. Put it down. Do something constructive. Or just do something. Last night one of the Star Trek movies was on television. Sarah saw it on the guide and put it on. It helped. For a little while my nervous energy matched what was on the screen. That was a little bit better.

I started this week in clinic. At first it was a normal clinic day and it felt good. I could feel the pressure to see patients and keep up and I had real tangible medical problems to bite into. Doing the usual felt good. But then as the day progressed COVID 19 issues started taking over. The clinic began to thin as we cancelled many of our clinic patients. We have been rescheduling or shifting patients to electronic visits to protect them from exposure (more social distancing.)  My day shifted to regain the odd – not right feeling.

I get it. It is not a snow day. It is not where we can all just hunker down under a blanket and feel warm and cozy and safe. It is not just going to go away in a few days or when the snowplows catch up. It is a time unlike anything we have dealt with in our lifetimes. There is a threat that is hanging out there and while we don’t want it to come the anticipation is hard. I have even heard of people saying that they just wish it would hit and be over with. I am not so sure we are going to want that when it does hit however.

It makes me think of the odd feeling that can come in the air before a thunderstorm. You can just get the foreboding feeling. You feel like you need to run for shelter. Animals always seem to feel that more strongly than we do.

Tuesday morning an odd thing happened.

I was getting ready to head for the hospital to do rounds on our advanced heart failure inpatient service. Our beagle Malley got up with me. Malley gets up with me many mornings. She is not a “morning dog” however. She generally gets up and then collapses on the sofa or her dog cushion as I go about getting ready. This Tuesday she got up and walked across the house and then laid down on the tile floor blocking the doorway to the garage. She has never done that before. It was almost like she was saying, “You are not going to work today.” I made some breakfast and settled into a chair. It was only after she decided I wasn’t leaving yet that she left her guard post. She moved over to her bed and curled into a ball. 

I finished breakfast and went to her bed to pet her. She stayed curled up as if to say, “Fine. If you are going to ignore me, do it at your own risk. I think you should stay home. Just go.”

I don’t know that Malley truly understands everything that is going on. She hasn’t been reading my twitter feed or the daily hospital COVID-19 updates or the news reports. But she does have an amazing way of reading me. I think she senses even more than I do the nervous energy in me. She clung to me during my cancer treatment and recovery. She knows whenever something is not quite right.

Things are not right. But what are we to do?

The threat is real. The reports from Italy and Washington State and New York are disturbing. My twitter feed is not good. The growth is exponential. We must every one of us take this seriously and do our part to flatten the curve, reduce the exposure, and not be the one to spread the virus. It is here and it is growing.

So how do we deal with these feelings inside of us?  I am not sure I have all the answers but here is my best go at it for now:

1. Acknowledge them.  Writing this blog has been very helpful for me. It is ok to admit that you are anxious, nervous, bugged, on edge or filled with strange nervous energy. I find that I feel awkward and unbalanced. I stumble on my words and feel eloquence slipping. All of it is a result of the odd time and impending but not personally realized threat that is looming over us.
2. It is good to be physically active. Match the nervous energy with physical exertion. There is no ban on going outside for a walk or a run. 
3. Pray. That and reading Scripture helped me this morning. For me today it was Psalm 93 reminding me of the greatness of God. He is bigger than this. That sustains me.
4. Play games. Read a book. Watch a Star Trek movie. Have a Harry Potter marathon. Or maybe I should pull out, “Das Boot.” (My girls will laugh about that one! It is a great movie! Believe me!) Put together a puzzle. Build a fort out of blankets. Do something together with those who are in your household. 

We will get through this. The current stage is the awkward and anxious time of nervous energy. It is okay. You’re okay. I’m okay. And God is more than okay. He is still in control and still on His throne. And He still loves us and cares for us.