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Being human Reflections on Life, Being Human, and Medicine Reflections on the Christian Life

Intolerance, The Church Lady, and a True Definition of Tolerance

The image is a common one. It is funny to laugh at the “church lady” on Saturday Night Live. “Well, isn’t that special!”  “How convenient!” 

It is much less funny to see it in reality. The image is of a “religious” person who is self-righteous, judgmental and condemning of everyone around them. It may look funny as a caricature, but the reality is disturbing and shameful. It also reflects the unfortunate reality that there is some truth that made this character popular. But the image is also a “straw man” argument that is used by many to deny the reality of thousands of true, caring, and sincere Christian believers.

I think the opposite is actually true.  I think my Christian faith makes tolerance much easier for me than it may be for others.

Many will think that is paradoxical. Please bear with me while I explain.

I do not expect everyone to agree with me. I do not expect everyone to make the same life choices that I do. In fact, I have gotten quite used to it. I am not surprised when others think or choose to live differently than me.

Just as importantly, I hope and truly want everyone to let me believe, think and live as my conscience dictates. It would be a deep crime against me if you were to insist on forcing me to only adopt your thinking. We all know the fights that have ensued through the centuries of mankind when one side or the other has tried to do this. And it never really works. You don’t change how people think by forcing them to think your way.

We are always going to think differently from others. The only answer that humans have worked out that seems to work is to allow freedom of thought and conscience. I expect you to give it to me. It is only reasonable that I should expect myself to give it to you.

This is of course with the caveat as long as we are not causing harm to others. There is a component of societal norms and laws that we know we have to have in place. And sometimes debate is necessary to figure out where those lines fall. It is not surprising that there will need to be some work and struggle to figure out those limits within a pluralistic society. It is of course not a perfect world. It seems the best answer we have come up with is to debate and then legislate the boundaries. Beyond that then we have decided to embrace liberty and freedom for individual thought and behavior.

And so, it is easier for me to be tolerant than people might think. I do not expect everyone to think like me. They often do not.  I do not expect everyone to live like me. They often do not.

I find then that with patients it is far easier to not be surprised. Patients might make all sorts of lifestyle choices. I hesitate to mention them here because this blog posting is not about debating whether certain specific choices are right or wrong. That is not the point. The point is about my ability to treat everyone with appropriate care and respect even if their personal choices disagree with my own.

This does not mean that I must agree with their choices. That is where many people get confused. There is a big difference between tolerance and agreement. We talk about living in a pluralistic society. This means that our society is based on letting us live peacefully side by side even though we may disagree on certain things. I do not have to agree with your thinking or your lifestyle. But I must respect your rights to have your thoughts and to live your lifestyle. I must be mature enough to be willing to accept that it is “ok” for us to “agree to disagree.” 

If you have strongly held beliefs, you will frequently find that you do not agree with people. The only alternative is to be a diluted milk toast with nothing strong or characteristic about you. You will have taken on being less of a human. You will have sacrificed a lot of the flavor and wonder of being a human. Please do not do this.

You should feel free to strongly believe, to strongly feel, and to live according to your conscience. You and I are then inevitably going to disagree. I am sorry about this. It is a little bit frightening to live this way, but it is much more exciting. It is much more real.

But please, let us tolerate each other. Would you be willing to let me follow my conscience as you follow your conscience? And in some moments, we might even be mature enough to dialogue about our differences and we might even learn from each other. We might help each other to grow. But please let us not insist that we must become each other. I may be right, and you may choose to accept some of my thinking. I may be wrong, and I pray for the maturity and the grace to be able to see this and accept it as it comes.

And this is where the surprise may come to many of you. 

Many of us with deeply held beliefs as Christians find tolerance much easier than others would ever understand. We silently tolerate lifestyle choices in those around us of substance use or abuse, sexual license, profanity, etc as a routine part of life in our world. These are choices that would break our consciences if we were to make them for ourselves. But for many around us who we consider friends, these things on a small scale are a routine part of their lives. We have learned the skill of remaining friends and yet not insisting that you think or live the same as us. 

When the more extreme examples come, it is easy to assume that we would of course object and adopt intolerance. But these are differences only of magnitude. The same skills that we have acquired throughout our lives of living, working, and being friends with people who make different choices then our own, makes tolerance much easier. 

I can take a sexual history and not be shocked anymore. When I discover that my female patient is biologically a male patient it is a surprise but does not mean that I will in any way not treat them with dignity and respect. I would personally not adopt that lifestyle. But I also would not adopt the lifestyle of the sexually promiscuous heterosexual patient that came before them. For some reason the promiscuous heterosexual patient seems more acceptable in our society.  But both are different than me. Both are my patients, and both are best treated with dignity and respect. 

I hope and expect to be treated with dignity and respect from you in spite of our differences. So also, I expect myself to treat you or my patients the same way.

This does not mean that intolerance does not exist. It is a big problem. But it comes from an expectation that everyone else must think and act like me. If I assume that everyone in the world thinks like me, I will struggle with intolerance. The problem comes when I view the world in rigid lines that are black and white. It is when I assume that there is a majority of “us” who are normal. In that scenario I can write off or reject anyone who does not neatly fit within “our” lines. But the world is so much more complex than that. With every other person in this world I will find areas where we will agree. It is also very likely that I will find areas where we will disagree.

This also does not mean that I can abdicate my responsibility when I see my friends or patients harming themselves or others. If I have a patient who continues to smoke, it is my duty to explain to them the harm they are bringing on themselves. But they often are surprised when I talk to them with an attitude of respect. I have found it does little good to scold them like little children. Instead I ask them to weigh out in their minds why they are choosing to harm their bodies. What is their motivation? I then can tell them that we won’t get anywhere until they are personally motivated to change. It really is their decision. This is inherently a different discussion than to bring in the “church lady” attitude and wave my finger at them.

What does this all mean?

  • I do not have to agree with you.  We can be ok with that.
  • Please treat me with tolerance when we do not agree. Please do not force me or expect me to mimic you. I cannot do it and should not do it.
  • I promise to try to treat you with the same degree of tolerance and respect.
  • Some days we might be bold enough to talk about our differences and learn from each other.
  • Most days we should learn to live and work and play together in peace in this imperfect world in which we live.
Categories
Being human Reflections on the Christian Life Updates on my health

Returning to Normal?

Transitions are always hard. We talk about finding the “new normal.” I just wish there was a script or a manual to tell us how to do this. Even harder is that I don’t know for sure what I want the new normal to be.

I just finished my first official week back at full time. I stayed at work later than I should have. By Friday noon I could feel the old feelings of fatigue. I was able to keep going but by evening had the heavy breathing fatigued feeling again. A good night’s sleep and I am better again.  I am trying to figure out things now that I am back.

What were the good things in the week? It was good to see a bunch of patients again. I felt like I really had something to contribute. This made me feel good. I participated in some meetings. I was happy to see that I still could feel the drive to speak and want to make things better. People would ask me how I was doing. The answer I came up with varied between 80-90% back depending on when they asked. This morning I am 90%. 

The week started with an upper endoscopy. I have been having some swallowing troubles. This seems to be a residual effect of the mitotane which can take 2 months or longer to be out of my body. The Versed and Fentanyl for the endoscopy were kind of amazing. I don’t remember the endoscopy and only vaguely remember going home. I was surprised that I had to push myself to think the next day. I was also surprised when I felt some remnants of that going into the second day. I felt just a little off balance in terms of thinking. I could think but just didn’t have my usual flow. I stumbled on my words with the patients and the resident who was rotating with me. At times I felt like I was following old algorithms rather than truly thinking in the moment. The next two days after this were more normal and more satisfying for me. The resident was still with me on Thursday and I found myself falling into and enjoying the teaching role again. I wasn’t stumbling on my words like I was on Wednesday.

Today I listened to the song, “Audition (The Fools Who Dream)” from the 2016 movie “La La Land”. Here are some of the words from the song:

My aunt used to live in Paris.
I remember, she used to come and tell us these stories about being abroad.
And I remember she told us that she jumped into the river once, barefoot.

She smiled.

Leapt, without looking, 
And tumbled into the Seine.
The water was freezing, 
She spent a month sneezing, 
But said she would do it again.

Here’s to the ones who dream, 
Foolish as they may seem. 
Here’s to the hearts that ache. 
Here’s to the mess we make. 

I worry that I am not dreaming anymore. 

The future always seemed to sprawl out in front of me. There were always so many things that I could and might do in the future. I dreamed of the dozens of different things that someday I might do. 

Doctors get frequent emails with what look to be amazing job offers. I have never really taken them seriously but often I would forward them on to Sarah. In my mind I would dream of a sudden change and a new challenge. I would want to run through the grass that was greener. Of course, it never really is greener. But I would indulge in imagining the fabulous job the email would try to create. I never seriously considered them. But it was a release to look at the emails. It was all harmless. It was a bit of escapism, but it was also dreaming. Now when I see the emails, I think of my uncertainty and my need to not lose any of the benefits that I have. I haven’t been forwarding the emails on to Sarah anymore. 

When I first saw “La La Land” that song grabbed me and moved me. Today it bothered me. 

It worried me a little bit. Am I not dreaming anymore? Am I settling for less? 

I have always wanted to think of myself as a dreamer. I think many of us want to think that we are. We want to be the aunt from La La Land. For the sake of adventure, she jumped into the Seine. She really lived her life. And in spite of whatever pains or losses she endured, she would do it all again.

A bit of madness is key, 
To give us new colors to see. 
Who knows where it will lead us? 
And that’s why they need us.

There is something very appealing about being a dreamer. I want to be the person who sees the world not for what it is but for what it can be. I want to be the person who brings “new colors to see” to others. I don’t want to just be here. I don’t want to just mark time. I want my time to mean something.

And so, I am back at work. I am trying to figure out what my life is supposed to be like. I am puzzling over what is supposed to be different. It isn’t that my life was bad before. But priorities seem to have shifted a bit. Some things that used to drive me do not as much. And I am wanting to figure out what really is important for me to do at this phase of my life.

Think about it. If you knew you might only have a few years to work, what work would you do? What would you do differently?

I intensely don’t want to just go back to where I was. It has got to be different. I have got to be different. I feel duty bound to ask the questions. I am not criticizing my former self. It wasn’t like I was without purpose before. But I want even more. 

And, I still really want to be a dreamer. Can I do it? Can I continue to look ahead even if I am not certain what ahead can mean? Can I continue to invest energy now that the rug was pulled out from under me once? Can I figure out the new normal?

On the other side of this confusion is this: It is odd but sometimes I worry that I am not wanting to be well. I know that is not true, but it worries me at times nonetheless. I think it is because I worry that I will drift to the mediocre – the bland – the gray. I worry I will return to normal and will not have any intensity anymore. I want to be a dreamer. I want color. I want emotion. I want more than just living and being in my place.

So bring on the rebels, 
The ripples from pebbles, 
The painters, and poets, and plays.

And here's to the fools who dream, 
Crazy as they may seem.
Here's to the hearts that break. 
Here's to the mess we make.

What matters to me? That is, I think, what I am reaching even more deeply within myself to figure out. My worry is that I won’t figure it out and then I will give into the pressures around me and take on the mold and pattern that others might make for me. I don’t want to have wasted the trauma of being diagnosed and assaulted with treatments. I want my life to be more.

Paul said, “To live is Christ and to die is gain.”[1]I get that now. I get that more than I ever have before. I am not afraid to die. That is the easy part. I know that if and when that time comes it won’t be as easy as it sounds now. I desperately don’t want to put my family through grief. But at the moment the challenge that is before me is “To live is Christ.” Paul was committed to the gospel. His calling and purpose were clear. But what is the Lord calling me to now? 

During radiation I was so tired. All I could do was to sit and think. During that time, I dreamed of being able to fully serve the Lord. I even wrote out a plan for part time medical practice and part time seminary followed by part time ministry. This was assuming that the cancer stayed away. It inspired me and gave me strength during that time.

But now that I am returning to work, the reality of figuring out the next phase is in front of me. I am still not fully back (not on call yet) and it gives me some liberty to figure out what is important to me. Honestly it is more than just what is important to me. It is more about what is the best use of my time. If we assume the worst and that my cancer will come back some day, what is the best use of my time between now and then? I think that is what I am reaching for.

My list in my mind so far:

  • People: Çaring about people is good. I have got to remember to slow down. Stop thinking about myself. Look people in the eyes. Really listen to them. Enjoy them. This was really intensely valuable right after my diagnosis and rightly should remain so going forward.
  • Patients: Helping patients is really good. Having skills that I can use for others is really satisfying.  I am a clinician. That is a big part of who I am.
  • Gaps: Reaching into the gaps where there are needs and meeting those needs is really good. I no longer want to do what others can do or are doing. I want to go where others can’t go or don’t want to go. I have little drive to do what 3 other people are vying to do. I feel intense drive to do what no one else can or wants to do. 
  • Color:  I want color. Bright colors. Vibrant and rich. Alive and awake and different. In whatever I do I want there to be color. Emotions. Alive. This too I felt after my diagnosis and I am not very willing to give it up. This blog has helped me to express myself. Like an artist it makes me feel alive. I think that is why I have continued to blog and write so many posts that have nothing to do with my health.
  • Live life not just work: I don’t want to be so stressed that I don’t appreciate life. I don’t want to feel like I have been cheated or have missed out on living because I was so obsessed with work. This is huge. Work is valuable. But there is more to life than just work.
  • Impact: I want to impact and move others. I think that is half of why I blog. I know the first half is what I said above and what is driving me to write this today – It is inside me and it helps me to write it down. The creativity makes me feel alive. But perhaps the second half is to get people thinking more deeply. To help them feel. To make them really live.
  • God:When I was on disability, I started my day with a cup of coffee, my Bible and a quiet time to be with my God. This past week, I felt the pressure of schedules. Time seemed to evaporate. Perhaps there was just a moment too long in the shower or one click of the snooze button that I shouldn’t have taken. My relationship with the Lord is who I am, and I must not let anything get in the way of that.
  • Ministry:My ministry at the moment is in my family, my church, my friends, and in medicine. These are all so wonderful and really are fulfilling. I am not feeling that I have to go beyond those bounds. But I do want to be sure that I am making the most of the time and opportunities that I have. I want to live with the confidence that looking back, I will be convinced that I would do it all again.
I trace it all back to then.
Her, and the snow, and the Seine
Smiling through it, 
She said she'd do it again.

Picture reference: https://www.citymetric.com/fabric/paris-has-watery-dream-swimming-seine-can-planners-take-plunge-2690

[1]NIV Philippians 1:21