We have all had this scenario.
We are at a restaurant and the entrée that you get is not what you had hoped for. Perhaps the condiments were wrong. Or perhaps it is not cooked to how you asked for it to be cooked. Something is wrong.
And this is where there is a great divide in the world. Half of us will grumble and eat it. “See if I ever come back to this restaurant again,” we say in the back of our minds. The other half will complain or call for the manager. Those of us in the 1stgroup may be getting uncomfortable even thinking about what those of you in the 2ndgroup do in this scenario.
I have already hinted which group I am in. Which group are you in?
I can tell you that I am group 1. And my wife Sarah is group 2.
Why am I a “group 1” person? I think it is because I don’t want to cause problems. One of the cardinal virtues growing up was kindness. It seems kinder to just accept less and not make troubles for others.
But which really is kinder?
This has been a lesson that has taken me years to learn. I still tend to be a group “1-er” but I now realize the tremendous value in the group “2-ers.” I have come to realize that those of us in group 1 might look kind, but the group 2 people are often actually being more kind. Let me explain.
Sarah believes in people. She values them and expects them to be intelligent and capable human beings. If they did not cook her food properly it is not because they should be “written off.” They should be told so that they can make it right. Also, they should be told so that they do not do this again or keep doing it. She actually believes that they are capable of doing their job. She gives them the benefit of the doubt and assumes that they are intelligent and capable. She is kind enough to believe in them and push them to be better.
Several years ago, we were looking to shift to a smaller church. We went through the process of visiting a variety of churches throughout the area. One Sunday we visited a church we were really interested in. That morning it was so crowded that we had to split up. My wife and I each had 1 or two of our daughters next to us on opposite sides of the church. As we heard the Pastor’s message it didn’t match what I thought the passage of Scripture said. At the end of the service we got in our car and started driving home. We talked about the message together.
The group “1-er” (= me) was happy to drive on. “I don’t know that I agreed with what he said. I don’t think we need to go to that church again.”
The group “2-er” (Sarah) was bugged. She didn’t think what he taught made sense either. When she heard that I agreed we talked about what to do. Ultimately, I turned the car around. Back to the church we went. We found the pastor. And then we started asking questions. In the end the discussion was a good one. We were able to hear and better understand his perspective. We ultimately still disagreed with his interpretation but not without showing him an appropriate level of respect.
You see, Sarah assumes that people have a brain and are capable.
Sarah has a very strongly developed sense of justice. Nothing bugs her more than to see something that is just not right. She feels compelled to try to fix it. As a group “1-er” I am more inclined to be passive, just accept things the way they are and handle things on my own. But Sarah believes in others. She believes in me. She thinks that I can do more than sometimes I think I can.
I call it “Tilting at Windmills.”
This is of course a reference to Don Quixote. This I know is not quite the correct term or reference. Don Quixote is wrong. He assumes the windmills are giants and fights them. They are not. They are windmills. But what is important is that he insists on continuing the fight. He is not going to just abdicate the responsibility. He will fight against what he thinks is a real threat. He would fight against what he thinks is wrong.
So, this is not a perfect reference. Sarah is by and large fighting against things that are truly wrong. But she does not easily give up fighting against injustice, even if she is not likely to win or change things. And that is why I call it, “Tilting at Windmills.”
She is the same way with people. She is not so quick to “right them off.” She expects them to be competent. When they are not she might push them to be what they ought to be. Even though it might seem like an unending and futile battle, she will engage in the effort. She will be a “2-er” and bring up the problem with them. She will give them a chance to do better.
It is a hard lesson. From the outside I may look to be more kind. If they let me down, I can be tempted to just sort of give up and do it myself. I take on the servant role and just do things for people. I do not really want to make them uncomfortable or to hold them accountable. On the surface that seems kind and understanding.
But on a deeper level, Sarah is actually being more kind. She is valuing people. She refuses to give up on them. She often pushes them to be the person that they really can be. It does not always work. But it works a LOT more than I think it would.
I continue to try to learn from this example. I should believe in people. If they at first fail to perform I should ask them why. I should push them to be better versions of themselves. I should swallow hard and walk into confronting them not because I want to be mean, but because I value them so much that I want them to be better. It is not easy to do this. It takes some courage. But it can be important and really valuable.
I still would rather just eat the burger medium rare rather than medium (I like medium). But the years have brought to me a growing appreciation and respect for those of you who are group “2-ers.”
Thank you for believing in people.
Thank you for believing in me.
