Nostalgia

I just had a nice dream. It was warm and cozy and I woke up feeling the same way. It was really nice.

I am trying to figure out the good feeling. I think it is nostalgia.

In the dream I am with some of my favorite people. I am of course with Sarah. My college roommate John was there. The girls were of course there. They also each had several friends there. They were all just enjoying being here with us and it was nice. Eventually Sarah slipped outside. The next thing I know I heard the lawn mower and figured that she must be mowing. I stayed in the basement and started going through the book shelves. I started seeing old pictures and I was happy to be there. I was reliving things. And I wasn’t focusing too long on anything. I was just enjoying the feeling. I was trying to sustain the warm feeling.

And then I woke up. As you can tell, I am awake now and not able to go back to sleep.

Can I recapture the feeling?

I think it is nostalgia. 

This wonderful feeling of looking back and reliving and enjoying the past. Nostalgia is a little bit like sweet and sour. It is never without some wincing and remembering the pain but also you remember the good times. More than that, you remember the people. It is like a sweet indulgence. Perhaps you idealize it all a bit but it is your nostalgia. Go ahead! 

I know that we should not live in the past. But I think there is real value in nostalgia. The people and the places and times should not be so easily forgotten. We are on a journey in life. And is it really enough to only live each experience once? Isn’t it nice to re-taste, to re-experience, to re-feel good times again?

As I had to deal with my own mortality it occured to me that someday I won’t be here. I have no idea when that is going to occur.  It could be many years from now but being human I know that we all have a 100% mortality rate. I want people to be a little bit nostalgic and have scenes with me in them. I hope that they can take some time and replay some nice scenes with me and others. I think I will do so now. I am going to go to my memory bookshelf and pull out some nice ones:

1. My daddy: One day we were walking through the fields to go get something. I don’t remember what was the purpose of the walk but it doesn’t matter. We were in the field across from the Lewandowski’s. It was just me and my Dad. And he picked me up and put me on his shoulders. That is a treasured memory for me. It is wonderful. I have replayed that old favorite a lot.
2. My mom: I am sitting on the hump in the front of the car. I lean over and put my head against her shoulder and I know that I am safe. I rest and fall asleep.
3. Sarah’s Dad: We are driving a rented truck to move us across the country. Sarah and her mom are in the car and Sarah’s Dad and I are in the truck. He starts telling me stories of his younger years. I can tell that he is forcing himself to talk. I suspect he was under orders to get to know me and to keep me awake while I drove. Nonetheless I loved how he was putting himself out there and pushing so that he could get to know his son-in-law. It was really nice.
4. Sarah’s Mom: She is sitting at her desk in her kitchen. It doesn’t matter what she was doing or what we were doing. But it was clear that we would always settle in and we would end up talking about all sorts of things. It was a place to talk and analyze and think. It was such a special place. 
5. Grandpa D: We are picking peaches in the orchard. He is talking in great detail about some events from the hospital board meeting. I can still hear his laugh as he tells my dad the details. I didn’t listen to what the story was. But I loved hearing how much it meant to him and his laugh as he told it.
6. Grandma D: I was clever enough to be the one to drive the fruit to the market. We are driving back from Bangor and she starts pointing out all of the homes that she visited when she was campaigning for my grandfather (he was a county commissioner). There was so much depth to her. She was not just a farm wife. She was passionate and took on causes (like the cancer society) and this was just one glimpse that there was a lot to her.
7. Grandpa H: It was time to go home from their house. He would come up and hug us. His beard was bristly but I didn’t mind. I knew that he loved all of us so much. They would stand outside at their house and wave and wave and wave until we were so far away that we could no longer see them. And we longed to turn around and go back.
8. Grandma H: “The faster I go the behinder I get!” This was the wall plaque hanging in her kitchen on Dunbar. And she would make the most amazing foods. The house was warm with her love and I can picture each room and relive being there. Even now I get warm inside just thinking about being in her kitchen eating her goulash with pepperoni or something in it and hearing her talk. 

See. 

There is nothing wrong with nostalgia in that way. I am not saying that I don’t want to live and enjoy today. But to live each experience only once seems to be such a shame. There are so many really really good ones to replay and to relive in my mind.

I have dozens that I could replay that happened with Sarah and the girls. Or friends in college. Or whenever.

What are some of your favorites?