How to Enjoy a Dinner Party

It was at a dinner party in Belgium. We were celebrating my aunt and uncle’s wedding anniversary. It was a great gathering of their family and friends. We were so pleased that we got to be a part of it. I was also pleased that most of the guests spoke English!

I was making casual conversation with one of their friends. I asked him, “So, what do you do for a living?” 

He answered me, “You must be American?” 

I asked him why he said that. He told me that Americans seem to be so fixated on work as their identity that it was a very American question for me to ask. He told me that a European would generally not ask that question. 

“So, what do you talk about?”

He told me that they might ask about what book they were reading, where they went on holiday or where they were planning to go on holiday. 

As the evening progressed, I learned that he was an engineer involved in designing how sound is handled in professional buildings. That was fascinating. I had no idea that was an entire line of engineering. But I also learned about where he went on holiday and what things interested him beyond his work.

The lesson has stuck with me.

Several months later I was at a professional dinner. It was at a weekend meeting focused on heart failure management technologies. It had been a long day and I really did not want to have the day’s work activities stretch into the evening over dinner. And so, I told the story about the dinner conversation in Belgium. Carolyn was sitting next to me. I asked her what book she was reading or had recently read. It started a great conversation. We talked back and forth about it for a while. She then asked me what I was reading. I explained that my daughter Dorothy loves Dostoevsky and that I was reading “Crime and Punishment” because of that. 

What followed was a wild journey! 

Carolyn also was a big fan. In fact, after college she had moved and lived in St. Petersburg, Russia. While she was there, she decided to follow the steps of Raskolnikov, the main character in “Crime and Punishment.” 

In the book, Raskolnikov counts his steps from where he was living to the place where he was going to commit murder. As the book progresses, he does commit the murder. In case you haven’t read it, I won’t tell you anymore and spoil it for you. It is a great book with amazing depth.

Anyhow, while Carolyn was living in St. Petersburg, she went to the place where Dostoevsky was said to have lived and to have based his story. She then followed the traditional walk from the book, counting her steps as she went to reach the site of the fictional murder. When she did so she entered the building. 

On the steps in the dark stairway she made a startling discovery. On the steps inside of the building where Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov was said to have killed Alyona Ivanovna to steal her money, Carolyn found a dead body! 

WOW! SCARY!

What a story! I couldn’t imagine it, can you? Just being in Russia would push most of us out of our comfort zone. But then to be following the steps of one of the classic crime stories and then to stumble on a real live – or – that is “dead” body – is just amazing! You couldn’t make that story up! 

The body apparently was an unfortunate homeless person who had settled there for rest and had passed away of natural causes. But nonetheless it must have been a terrifying experience! I still can’t imagine going through what Carolyn experienced.  It was such an incredible experience for her. And it was so much more interesting of a dinner conversation than continuing to talk about the role of thoracic impedance measurements in determining heart failure decompensation! That dinner meeting suddenly had become something that I would remember for a long time.

A few years later Dorothy followed her passion and moved to St. Petersburg to study Russian. 

Sarah and I were pleased to be able to go with her to St. Petersburg at the start of her time when she was getting settled in. While we were there, I told them of this story. And so, we too found the places and we walked the “Crime and Punishment” walk, counting our steps as we went. It was a delightful time! We didn’t end up going into the building. And just in case you are curious, we did not find a dead body on our journey. But we did have a great time doing it!

A casual dinner conversation can lead to so much! As you sit at a dinner party can you too be taken on an adventure? Can you learn things that you might not know from the people you are dining with? 

Through the years then my friends have taught me a lot. 

• There is real value in listening as much as talking. Oddly, people tend to find you to be more interesting company if you listen to them rather than if you are constantly talking at them.
• Others are generally a lot more complicated and interesting than you might think. Everyone has a story. Within their minds and their lives are things that you can learn from. You can learn something from everyone, and everyone can learn things from you. Take on the attitude of expecting to be surprised by people. 
• You might need to draw people out a little bit. It might help to keep in stock some questions that you can use to get them talking.

Who are you? What interests you? What stories or experiences do you have within you that I might not know? We as Americans are often focused on our career and what is happening there. But there is a lot more to life than that. I don’t think it is wrong to talk about our work, but we should not stop there. 

• What was the last book you have read and what did you think about it?  What surprised you or stretched you in that book? Why did you read it? Were you happy that you read it? Why or why not?
• Where did you go on vacation? Tell me about that. What was the most interesting or memorable thing that you did on that vacation? Were there things that surprised you? 
• What was your favorite vacation ever? Why?
• If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Why?
• Where would you love to visit? Tell me why?

I won’t confess to be an expert at this but the lesson from Belgium has stuck with me. 

Can you view your next dinner party as a grand opportunity? 

Can you learn from the people that you are seated with? Can you ask and listen and find out what interests them? How might they think differently from you?  Will you let them perhaps stretch you or surprise you? Will you be lucky enough to be taken on journey inside a dark stairway in a deserted building in St. Petersburg, Russia? 

There are treasures within the people around you that you can learn from. Everyone has a few stories that are worth hearing. 

So…  What books have you read recently? Or perhaps, have you read any good blog posts recently? 🙂