Category: Reflections on the Christian Life

Reflections from the scriptures or on what it means to me to be a Christian. My hope is to show that the Christian life is one which can and should be lived with personal honesty, intellectual rigor, and respect for others.

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Being human Reflections on the Christian Life Updates on my health

Returning to Normal?

Transitions are always hard. We talk about finding the “new normal.” I just wish there was a script or a manual to tell us how to do this. Even harder is that I don’t know for sure what I want the new normal to be.

I just finished my first official week back at full time. I stayed at work later than I should have. By Friday noon I could feel the old feelings of fatigue. I was able to keep going but by evening had the heavy breathing fatigued feeling again. A good night’s sleep and I am better again.  I am trying to figure out things now that I am back.

What were the good things in the week? It was good to see a bunch of patients again. I felt like I really had something to contribute. This made me feel good. I participated in some meetings. I was happy to see that I still could feel the drive to speak and want to make things better. People would ask me how I was doing. The answer I came up with varied between 80-90% back depending on when they asked. This morning I am 90%. 

The week started with an upper endoscopy. I have been having some swallowing troubles. This seems to be a residual effect of the mitotane which can take 2 months or longer to be out of my body. The Versed and Fentanyl for the endoscopy were kind of amazing. I don’t remember the endoscopy and only vaguely remember going home. I was surprised that I had to push myself to think the next day. I was also surprised when I felt some remnants of that going into the second day. I felt just a little off balance in terms of thinking. I could think but just didn’t have my usual flow. I stumbled on my words with the patients and the resident who was rotating with me. At times I felt like I was following old algorithms rather than truly thinking in the moment. The next two days after this were more normal and more satisfying for me. The resident was still with me on Thursday and I found myself falling into and enjoying the teaching role again. I wasn’t stumbling on my words like I was on Wednesday.

Today I listened to the song, “Audition (The Fools Who Dream)” from the 2016 movie “La La Land”. Here are some of the words from the song:

My aunt used to live in Paris.
I remember, she used to come and tell us these stories about being abroad.
And I remember she told us that she jumped into the river once, barefoot.

She smiled.

Leapt, without looking, 
And tumbled into the Seine.
The water was freezing, 
She spent a month sneezing, 
But said she would do it again.

Here’s to the ones who dream, 
Foolish as they may seem. 
Here’s to the hearts that ache. 
Here’s to the mess we make. 

I worry that I am not dreaming anymore. 

The future always seemed to sprawl out in front of me. There were always so many things that I could and might do in the future. I dreamed of the dozens of different things that someday I might do. 

Doctors get frequent emails with what look to be amazing job offers. I have never really taken them seriously but often I would forward them on to Sarah. In my mind I would dream of a sudden change and a new challenge. I would want to run through the grass that was greener. Of course, it never really is greener. But I would indulge in imagining the fabulous job the email would try to create. I never seriously considered them. But it was a release to look at the emails. It was all harmless. It was a bit of escapism, but it was also dreaming. Now when I see the emails, I think of my uncertainty and my need to not lose any of the benefits that I have. I haven’t been forwarding the emails on to Sarah anymore. 

When I first saw “La La Land” that song grabbed me and moved me. Today it bothered me. 

It worried me a little bit. Am I not dreaming anymore? Am I settling for less? 

I have always wanted to think of myself as a dreamer. I think many of us want to think that we are. We want to be the aunt from La La Land. For the sake of adventure, she jumped into the Seine. She really lived her life. And in spite of whatever pains or losses she endured, she would do it all again.

A bit of madness is key, 
To give us new colors to see. 
Who knows where it will lead us? 
And that’s why they need us.

There is something very appealing about being a dreamer. I want to be the person who sees the world not for what it is but for what it can be. I want to be the person who brings “new colors to see” to others. I don’t want to just be here. I don’t want to just mark time. I want my time to mean something.

And so, I am back at work. I am trying to figure out what my life is supposed to be like. I am puzzling over what is supposed to be different. It isn’t that my life was bad before. But priorities seem to have shifted a bit. Some things that used to drive me do not as much. And I am wanting to figure out what really is important for me to do at this phase of my life.

Think about it. If you knew you might only have a few years to work, what work would you do? What would you do differently?

I intensely don’t want to just go back to where I was. It has got to be different. I have got to be different. I feel duty bound to ask the questions. I am not criticizing my former self. It wasn’t like I was without purpose before. But I want even more. 

And, I still really want to be a dreamer. Can I do it? Can I continue to look ahead even if I am not certain what ahead can mean? Can I continue to invest energy now that the rug was pulled out from under me once? Can I figure out the new normal?

On the other side of this confusion is this: It is odd but sometimes I worry that I am not wanting to be well. I know that is not true, but it worries me at times nonetheless. I think it is because I worry that I will drift to the mediocre – the bland – the gray. I worry I will return to normal and will not have any intensity anymore. I want to be a dreamer. I want color. I want emotion. I want more than just living and being in my place.

So bring on the rebels, 
The ripples from pebbles, 
The painters, and poets, and plays.

And here's to the fools who dream, 
Crazy as they may seem.
Here's to the hearts that break. 
Here's to the mess we make.

What matters to me? That is, I think, what I am reaching even more deeply within myself to figure out. My worry is that I won’t figure it out and then I will give into the pressures around me and take on the mold and pattern that others might make for me. I don’t want to have wasted the trauma of being diagnosed and assaulted with treatments. I want my life to be more.

Paul said, “To live is Christ and to die is gain.”[1]I get that now. I get that more than I ever have before. I am not afraid to die. That is the easy part. I know that if and when that time comes it won’t be as easy as it sounds now. I desperately don’t want to put my family through grief. But at the moment the challenge that is before me is “To live is Christ.” Paul was committed to the gospel. His calling and purpose were clear. But what is the Lord calling me to now? 

During radiation I was so tired. All I could do was to sit and think. During that time, I dreamed of being able to fully serve the Lord. I even wrote out a plan for part time medical practice and part time seminary followed by part time ministry. This was assuming that the cancer stayed away. It inspired me and gave me strength during that time.

But now that I am returning to work, the reality of figuring out the next phase is in front of me. I am still not fully back (not on call yet) and it gives me some liberty to figure out what is important to me. Honestly it is more than just what is important to me. It is more about what is the best use of my time. If we assume the worst and that my cancer will come back some day, what is the best use of my time between now and then? I think that is what I am reaching for.

My list in my mind so far:

  • People: Çaring about people is good. I have got to remember to slow down. Stop thinking about myself. Look people in the eyes. Really listen to them. Enjoy them. This was really intensely valuable right after my diagnosis and rightly should remain so going forward.
  • Patients: Helping patients is really good. Having skills that I can use for others is really satisfying.  I am a clinician. That is a big part of who I am.
  • Gaps: Reaching into the gaps where there are needs and meeting those needs is really good. I no longer want to do what others can do or are doing. I want to go where others can’t go or don’t want to go. I have little drive to do what 3 other people are vying to do. I feel intense drive to do what no one else can or wants to do. 
  • Color:  I want color. Bright colors. Vibrant and rich. Alive and awake and different. In whatever I do I want there to be color. Emotions. Alive. This too I felt after my diagnosis and I am not very willing to give it up. This blog has helped me to express myself. Like an artist it makes me feel alive. I think that is why I have continued to blog and write so many posts that have nothing to do with my health.
  • Live life not just work: I don’t want to be so stressed that I don’t appreciate life. I don’t want to feel like I have been cheated or have missed out on living because I was so obsessed with work. This is huge. Work is valuable. But there is more to life than just work.
  • Impact: I want to impact and move others. I think that is half of why I blog. I know the first half is what I said above and what is driving me to write this today – It is inside me and it helps me to write it down. The creativity makes me feel alive. But perhaps the second half is to get people thinking more deeply. To help them feel. To make them really live.
  • God:When I was on disability, I started my day with a cup of coffee, my Bible and a quiet time to be with my God. This past week, I felt the pressure of schedules. Time seemed to evaporate. Perhaps there was just a moment too long in the shower or one click of the snooze button that I shouldn’t have taken. My relationship with the Lord is who I am, and I must not let anything get in the way of that.
  • Ministry:My ministry at the moment is in my family, my church, my friends, and in medicine. These are all so wonderful and really are fulfilling. I am not feeling that I have to go beyond those bounds. But I do want to be sure that I am making the most of the time and opportunities that I have. I want to live with the confidence that looking back, I will be convinced that I would do it all again.
I trace it all back to then.
Her, and the snow, and the Seine
Smiling through it, 
She said she'd do it again.

Picture reference: https://www.citymetric.com/fabric/paris-has-watery-dream-swimming-seine-can-planners-take-plunge-2690

[1]NIV Philippians 1:21

Categories
Being human Medicine Reflections on Life, Being Human, and Medicine Reflections on the Christian Life

Anchors Aweigh – Or How a Prank Taught Me About Being Human

The assignment was to write and deliver a motivational speech. 

It was a standard part of the leadership training. It seemed like kind of a hokey and contrived assignment. 

We wondered if we could make it better.

We were a group of medical students, dental students, nurses and law students. We were in our “Officer’s Indoctrination School” (OIS) for the United States Navy. This was a 6-week training course that was designed to take us from being civilians to being officers in the U.S. Navy. We learned how to march and salute. We learned how to wear our uniforms. We learned about the customs and regulations of the Navy. 

We also learned a lot about leadership. I didn’t realize it then, but it molded a lot of who I am today.

During the training I made good friends. Perhaps it was the stress of staying up all night running floor buffers to wax and polish the floors. Or prepping for the inspections using a toothbrush to scrub the cracks on the floor. Or in using Q-tips to clean the windowsills. Or choosing to not sleep in your bed because you might wrinkle the perfectly made bed with its tightly ironed hospital corners. But in any event, we had become good friends.

We were talking about the assignment together. How could we truly deliver a motivational speech? One of us came up with a silly idea. It was risky. We could get in trouble. But the more we talked about it, the more we liked it. We thought it would be worth the risk.

The class time came, and we were all ready. 

One of my friends got up to give his speech. As he got near the climax of his speech, we perfectly executed our plan. It started out with just a very low-level humming. Then it grew. 

Ever so slightly louder. 

And then a little bit louder. 

And then it was clear what was happening. 

A group of us in the class were humming, “Anchor’s Aweigh!” 

The humming got so that we were filling the room with sound and then we let it all go. We jumped to our feet and began singing at the top of our lungs, 

“Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh. Farewell to college joys, we sail at break of day-ay-ay-ay. Through our last night on shore, drink to the foam, Until we meet once more. Here’s wishing you a happy voyage home.”

It was risky.

We could have gotten in a lot of trouble.

We looked at our Lieutenant Commander instructor to see if we were going to have to pay a penalty for our little prank. 

She had tears streaming down her face. 

They were not tears of sadness. They were not tears of laughter. 

Then we understood. And the joke was on us. In that moment we all learned a lesson. 

That was the day that I became a part of the United States Navy.

Suddenly I was filled with immense pride and a sense of belonging. I understood the deep traditions of the Navy. I felt linked to the many men and women who had so bravely fought and risked everything to be a part of the Navy. In an instant I understood what it meant to be committed to something bigger than myself.I understood how hearing just a song could trigger deep emotions of pride and respect and belonging. I had tears in the corners of my eyes. And I was now an officer in the United States Navy.

I have been a member of the Navy in my heart ever since that day. I have been so proud of my uniform. Even though this incident happened in May of 1988 and I left active duty in the Navy in June of 1996, I am still Navy. My uniforms are still hung in my closet. I looked at them the other day and I had no intention of moving them. 

It distressed me a couple of years ago when I realized I was likely too old to ever go back on active duty again. In the back of my head had always been this little thought that if ever I got “tired of it all” I might go back in the Navy. But time has marched on and that no longer seems possible. But I am still Navy. 

I heard them singing the “Navy Hymn” for Bush 41’s funeral this fall. It got me a little bit choked up and nostalgic again. That is the song of “my Navy”. I got to serve in the same Navy in which George Bush risked his life in World War II and which molded him into who he was.

What does all of this matter to you?

For those of you who were in the military I suspect it rings true. There is such a strong sense of identity that never seems to leave. There is a link to the generations of men and women who committed themselves to something greater than themselves. The link is to many who have died in the service. There is a link to many who experienced things that I never want to experience. There is a link to tradition and honor and leadership.

For those of you who have never served in the military, the lesson is clear.

There is great value in committing yourself to something bigger than yourself. 

If all you ever do in life is to think about and to live for yourself, you have not achieved very much. You are but one life and your concerns and desires are a small thing. But we were meant to and we were designed to be a part of things bigger than ourselves. 

That is another part of what it means to be human. 

We are not just living a life here of survival on this earth. We are not just going to go through our days surviving and then die. We were meant to build and create and grow. And by working together we can do so much more than we ever could alone.

We were meant to dream big and to build big. What is there that you care about? Is there something that you are willing to invest yourself in? Is there something that is more important than just your own needs and desires? What is there that is worth living for?

Maya Angelou said, “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”

We were meant to create. We were meant to build. We were meant to stand up against injustice and evil. We were meant to band together for what is good and right. And in doing that we find purpose and meaning and honor and joy. 

Thatis something that can make a silly old song trigger tears from a place deep down inside. It can make you cry in a way that is not sad and not laughing but of profound purpose and meaning.

I recently read an article that said that one of the drivers for frequent job changes among millennials is a need for real purpose and meaning. Financial ROI (return on investment) is no longer enough to keep them satisfied and challenged in their work. They feel a strong pull toward finding something big enough to be worth their energy and passion.

What does this mean for your life?

Do not live just for yourself. Live for things bigger than yourself.It is not just the military. It is anything that has deep purpose and meaning for you. What will you treasure at the end of your life? What will you commit yourself to that is so much more than just living for you?

For me it is a bunch of things. 

I am forever proud to have been a part of the Navy. 

I am a father and together with my wife, I am committed to the growth and success of my daughters.

I am proud to have joined the ranks of healthcare professionals as a physician. This is not an isolated thing but is large club that binds us together in shared purpose and experiences. Regardless of what anyone might think, the vast majority of physicians were drawn to healthcare by a desire to use their intelligence and skills for real good.

I have committed myself to making healthcare better in my region. Within heart failure I would like to think that I am not only helping in the care of individual patients with heart failure. While that is excellent in and of itself, there is more. I also want to be a part of having improved the care in my organization. I also dream that I could improve the care beyond this. I want to improve things for an entire region. By example and energy and in whatever way I can, I want to think that patients will get better care by the time I am finished than when I started. That is a huge goal and makes me inspired just to think of it. I just wish there was a song that I could hum as I write this!

On a deeper level, as I have mentioned, I am also a man of faith. 

I believe in an Almighty Creator who has made us in His image and who allows us to be a part of His redemptive plan for His creation. The world is a fractured place. Everything is not as it is supposed to be. That is obvious. But I have a belief in a God who is executing a plan to repair it all. And I believe that He allows us to be a part of it.

That is a very deep level of belonging. 

Suddenly I belong to thousands of years of people who have lived by faith. There are people who have lived and died, many as martyrs, for standing up for what is right. They have opposed tyrants and evil throughout generations. And I am, by an incredible gift of God’s grace, even linked to the sufferings of Christ. This is a deep mystery, but I am linked even to Him. I am, by the purpose and plan of God, linked to a plan to redeem and remake the world into the place that it was meant to be. 

To be committed to such deep purposes is a big part of what it means to be truly human!

What are you living for? What is there that is greater than yourself?

“Anchors aweigh, my boys, anchors aweigh!”

And that is how a little prank flipped back on me and taught me a big lesson about what it means to be a human being.