It is a good thing that I have it all figured out. You know – life, how to live my life, the universe, my place in it all – all of it. It is a good thing that I have it all figured out.
Not.
People like puzzles. They like to be challenged so that they can then conquer them and be satisfied. We want to think that life is the same way. There is this odd and very tempting thing in our minds that challenges us to figure everything out. We think we can make sense of it all. If we just try hard enough, we will pull it all in order and make it all make sense. It will finally click. It is just on the tip of our tongues – or just barely within reach of our brains.
I can be in charge then. I can with great cleverness and wisdom drive the pattern and direction of my life. I can figure out what I want to do, where I want to be and how I want my life to run. I can be in charge of my destiny. I can do it my way and make it my own.
But it is not true.
There are times when I don’t have the slightest idea what to do next. I go from times when there are dozens of things in front of me to do. And then a moment later I don’t know what I want to or should do next.
I don’t know what is going to happen in the coming day let alone in the coming months or years. I like to pretend that I am in charge. Like some huckster or magician, I pretend that what happened was in my plans and that I pulled it all off with great grace. But the truth is that I was mostly just responding to whatever happened in the moment as it came. It was really much more like “sight-reading” rather than performing a well-practiced and planned piece of music.
The universe is so incredibly complicated. There are so many moving parts. There is of course purpose and meaning. That is why my brain seeks it out and tries to make sense of it. There are many things that do make sense. But there is a lot that does not. There is a lot that goes far beyond my simple ability to understand it.
I think that if we were to be able to be pulled far above and beyond ourselves, we would see this. Imagine it is like google earth. You can zoom out so that you are looking from way above so that you could see all of the events on your life’s timeline and all the intersecting events from others timelines in perspective. Then all of the swirling complicated influences would make sense. We would be able to see the outrageous complexity and we would laugh. “There was NO WAY you could understand it all,” we would tell ourselves. “From here you can see it. But when you are down in it there is no way you could see it.”
Chaos theory says that there is purpose and order in our universe. It only appears to be chaos because there are multiple very complicated intersecting levels of purpose and order. A pebble drops in the water and the waves make clear sense. If two pebbles drop in the water at the same time the intersecting waves are more complicated, but our brains are strong enough to be able to understand the interactions and reflections of the waves. But if a thousand pebbles drop in the water at the same time the complexities are so amazing that the waves look like utter chaos. Of course, there is order and purpose behind all of those waves even if we cannot make sense of them. It is just too complicated for us to see it all.
In living this life then I go from confidence to despair. I go from thinking in my cleverness that I understand my place and purpose to feeling like I don’t understand anything. I go from arrogant independence to humble dependence. I go from confidence to insecurity and at times to peace.
Peace. How can we realize that? I had a friend one time who dropped his guard and said that peace is a fallacy. It is a word that people say but does not really exist. The problem of course was that he was really really smart. His mind could make sense of science and the problems in front of him. But his reality was not just a thousand, but a million pebbles dropped in the water all at once. This reality could not be neatly sorted out by his brain and it therefore robbed him of the concept of peace.
I have felt peace at times. How?
If only there were someone who could be pulled way up into the clouds to oversee my timeline. Like the google earth zooming out so very very far that they could see the myriad of intersecting events that were driving my reality. If that person could be trusted – a friend – a love. They could reassure me. “Peace, child.” “It all makes sense.” “You cannot see it all or understand it, but there is purpose and order and meaning.” “It is too complex for me to explain it to you. You are going to have to just trust me. It makes sense. It is ok.”
I think you can see where I am going with this.
Our brains and our very beings seek purpose and meaning. We sense that it must all be there. And it is.
So how do we live within this:
- Step one: Seek God. Seek one who has created and understands this. The God of the Bible says that He is a loving and all-knowing God. He amazingly wants to be in relationship with us. Through the gospel He has created a way so that we could be in relationship with Him. He wants to be that person – that friend – that Father – who has the perspective that we long for.
- Step two: Spend time with Him. Rather than hours spent wrestling with the complex reality puzzle as though you are going to figure it all out, spend time with the one who understands the answer to the puzzle. It is ok to try to solve the puzzle. It is natural for us to want to do this. But when we are frustrated it is time to go to the answer key – or more appropriately – to the one who holds and knows the answer.
- Step three: This is the hard one. Be at peace knowing that there is an answer key but that we are not going to get to read it. This is really hard. “Yes, there is an answer to the riddle. But “no” I am not going to tell you. I will not tell you because it is too complex for you to understand.” Perhaps a better way to phrase this is, “Peace, child, you cannot understand.” Peace comes from trusting the relationship. That is hard. We have to admit that we are limited and be willing to trust and rest and love the one who can see it all. It is truly humble dependency.
- Step four: Pray. “But certainly, He does not want to hear about all of my little concerns?” But He does. Because the concerns are not little to you. Because they are important to you then they are important to Him. Just like I would want to hear about my children’s concerns. The second-grade spelling test was not a small thing to them. So then it was not a small thing to me. God is very clear about this. He wants to hear about it all. Even if He cannot explain it all to you, He wants to hear nonetheless.
In arrogance we often pretend that we have it all figured out. We make the world into crisp lines of black and white. We provide advice and simple answers to the so many that are struggling to navigate through this world. When it is our turn to struggle, we hide away our doubts and fears, just holding our breath waiting for the time when order will return. We wait for when we can be in control of our lives again. We put on a costume of being in control for those times when things are out of control. We lack peace but pretend as though it is there for us.
I do not have everything figured out. I never will. Oh of course I will have aspects of things figured out. From time to time things will seem to make sense. But this is a complicated life. It does not all make sense.
My Lord knows me and loves me. He has provided a means by which I can have an intimate relationship with Him. In that relationship then I can have peace.
“Peace, child. It does make sense. I know it can be hard on you. I know it can be painful. There is purpose and structure and meaning to it all. If I tried to explain it, it would not help. You must trust me. It is ok.”
“Peace.”
