Category: Being human

Reflections that focus on life in general and more specifically on what it means to be a human being!

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Being human Reflections on Life, Being Human, and Medicine Reflections on the Christian Life

How to Drive on a Country Road and What It Can Teach You About Life

I learned how to drive on country roads. These roads are crowned. That means that they are higher in the center and lower on the edges. This must be to help the water to run off. They are wide enough for two cars to pass but there are often no lines on them. You must use your judgment when meeting a car as to how the two of you share the road.

I had to learn how to drive on these roads. 

Early on I would get over to the side too early. 

As I saw a car coming, I would slide to one side so that we could pass. Oddly I would find that the other cars would seem to take over even more of the road. Often, they would rise to the top of the crown. Sometimes it was so bad that it felt that they would even run me right off of the road. I had a few times when it was really scary.

I had to learn how to drive on these roads. I was not doing it properly.

I learned that I should not get over so soon. I would in fact take a position more centered on the road. As we grew near to each other only then would I get over and we would each take our fair share of the road. 

Everything worked much better when I would do it that way. I drive that way to this day.  I was never told to do this. But by trial and error I have learned that this works much better. Before this I have seldom ever really talked about this technique. When I brought it up with my wife however, she laughed and told me that she has watched how I do this. She completely understands and agrees that it works well.

I felt odd doing this at first. It felt almost like I was being a bit rude. I was pushing for or exerting my rights to the road. It was not the attitude of the humble servant that I had learned in the Bible. Instead I was asserting myself. The humble servant approach was getting me hurt. It was letting the others take serious advantage of me. They did not seem to recognize the gesture when I got over early. On the contrary they put both of us at risk when I did so by taking too much of the road. 

Oddly, by pushing them – by taking the center of the road and getting over later – I was helping them to be safer. 

By exerting my rights, I was actually making things better for both of us.

By letting them hurt me, I was hurting them.

By holding them accountable, I was helping them.

I was being better – perhaps even more kind – by not being so permissive.

That is a hard lesson. I do think it is one of the really important lessons of life. It is one of those issues of balance that is not obvious but which is so wise.

We all have to live together. We all ought to treat each other with respect. We all ought to recognize the rights and boundaries in our interactions with each other. The Bible is right and true when it teaches us the immense value in being humble and serving others. But there is a balance. It does not mean that we let people destroy themselvesby abusing us or our rights.

Let me explain more:

  • If I value you, I will respect you. 
  • I will believe that you have the capability to be civil and kind and that you will treat me properly. 
  • I should expect better of you so that you can achieve better. 
  • Kindness and proper treatment of you means that I expect you to treat me properly.

If I give up on you, then I am committing a wrong against you. I am assuming some pretty awful things about you. By taking on the role of a martyr in our relationship I am sacrificing you and my respect for you.Oddly – by letting you take advantage of me I am treating you poorly. I have sacrificed who I think you are. I have stopped treating you with respect.

This is all based on an unfortunate but very true reality of human existence. We all are inherently selfish. This is a sad but true fact. Without boundaries or restraints on us we do tend to take advantage of each other. This is a part of what it means to be a human in a fallen world. We all want to think that we are wonderful and giving and selfless. But when someone “gets over too soon” on the road of life, we tend to take the main part of the road. We do this ALL THE TIME. We may not even notice that we do this. It is a big part of being human. And the world will never make sense to you until you can recognize these tendencies in yourself.

I will openly and honestly confess that I have seen this tendency in myself. I don’t want to think that I do this, but I do. I hope that you can understand that you do this as well. Yes, it is wrong, and it is not “pretty” but it is the way we all are.

I function best when I have honest relationships. 

When I have friends who truly value me, they respect me enough to hold me accountable. If I hurt them, they say, “No. What are you doing?” This immediate correction pushes me back to the type of person that I want to be. They are believing in me and pushing me back to being a better person. If they meekly let me walk all over them, they are causing a deep harm to me.

And so there must be a balance in our relationships.


Please be humble. Do not think more highly of yourself than you ought. That is good.

Please be a servant. Where you are able, please help others. In so doing the Lord can and will notice and honor you.

But also, please be honest with people. Push them to be better versions of themselves. If they are harming you by their speech or actions, do not let them do so. Say, “Ouch!” Say, “No!” Say, “What are you doing?” 

For you see, you have a responsibility to others in life. You must take your own portion of the road and hold it. You must push them so that they treat you and others properly and with respect. You must push them to not be selfish. You must be honest about the harm that they are doing when they are selfish. 

And oddly, this is an immense kindness to them. You are helping them to be better persons. While you may be willing to suffer the consequences of their mistreatment of you, you may be harming them when you do so. 

Here is how to drive the roads of life:

  • Drive safely. Pay attention to the other people around you. Be alert.
  • Take the part of the road that you are due. Expect them to give it to you. Do not yield it up too soon. Maybe even push over the line toward them a little bit to get their attention if necessary.
  • When the time comes to meet, yield readily. With humility and servitude slide over to your side of the road so that there is more than enough room to pass.
  • Smile at them as you both pass each other with dignity and respect.
Categories
Being human Reflections on Life, Being Human, and Medicine

The Deeper Lessons from “Twelve O’Clock High”

Gregory Peck is in his prime playing the role of Brigadier General Savage. I talked about this in my blog post last week.

But later in the movie, General Savage becomes a casualty of war. He tries to climb into the aircraft to go on the bombing mission but his body – or perhaps more accurately – his mind – will not let him do so. He is finished. He has given all of his might and energy and he has finally collapsed.

Many of us push ourselves hard.  It may be the very long call weekend. It might be the moral strain of caring for a very ill patient population. Or it may be the stress of constant and unremitting demands on us regardless of what we do. We wonder if the day will come someday when we will have pushed too hard. Will we collapse? Will we too reach the point where our bodies or perhaps our minds will no longer be able to go forward? What will it take to get us to this point? What will it be like when we reach that point?

But I think we are asking the wrong questions.

In my previous blog post we referenced the 1949 movie, “Twelve O’Clock High.” This movie is a classic and continues to be used to this day to teach leadership skills in the military. In that post we looked at how Brigadier General Savage (Gregory Peck) assumed the role that he knew was needed to pull together a failing bomber squadron in World War 2. We learned the lesson of “putting on the uniform” of leadership.

But there is a much deeper and more subtle lesson within the movie. It is not one that I was taught. It is not one that I have heard discussed in this context before. I have been struggling to understand it and come to grips with it. I hope that together we can wrestle with it. I do not promise to have this fully developed and understood. I am a novice here and not an expert. 

But let us boldly try to figure it out together.

In the movie, the approach taken by General Savage worked. The squadron came together, and the men of the squadron regained confidence and the pride that they needed to be able to be successful. There were casualties. Aircraft and men were lost. But they did much better after he pushed them and made them find the strength they had within themselves.

Then the General becomes a casualty himself.

In the climax of the movie General Savage plans to go on the bombing mission. As he tries to climb into the airplane, his legs physically stop working. He is unable to go, and another pilot must step in to take his place. He then enters into a state of catatonia (unresponsive and staring into space.) This persists until the planes safely return home. He then gets up and lays down and goes to sleep.

When you first watch the movie, you see this as bravery and selfless sacrifice. In other words, General Savage was so committed to the mission that he too was willing to sacrifice himself. The result was severe psychological trauma to the point of a conversion disorder (physical symptoms as a result of psychological trauma) and even catatonia (inability to move or interact because of psychological trauma).

Is this ok?

In the setting of a life or death struggle in war we might think that this level of sacrifice is tolerable. We might even think that it is admirable. 

The problem is that we continue to do this even today. We put expectations on ourselves and others that result in similar degrees of psychologic trauma. One of the words that we use for this is “burnout.” We wonder if we will someday reach a breaking point. I have wondered this when the clock goes past midnight for another day in a row and I am still working on finishing charts before the next morning comes. I have wondered this when I feel the trauma of a poor patient outcome and I feel my heart breaking. I have wondered this when all of the pressure to keep up with everything just seems to be so persistent.

And so, the question is whether we have a breaking point. But I think we are asking the wrong question.

The deeper questions are two: (1) Are such casualties acceptable? And (2) If they are not, what do we do to prevent them?

Twelve O’Clock High is only a movie and as such can only help us think and reflect. But please let us indulge a bit more and think about it.

Are these casualties acceptable? I do not think so. I do not actually think they are necessary. Some casualties are necessary risks. The bombers had to fly through the flak and deal with the threats of enemy aircraft. But the commander perhaps has other protections that should have been better used.

And so, answering “no” to question 1 we move to question 2.

First, we must recognize the risks in “putting on the uniform” of leadership. Trying to take on a persona other than your own is admirable and sometimes necessary but is not long sustainable. One of the keys to sustainability and maturity is to learn about your own persona. Who are you? How do you best function? What motivates you and drives you? What happens when you are stressed and what is the best that could be expected from you when all is good? 

This may not sound as exciting as sacrificing yourself for a cause, but it is:

  • True
  • Real
  • Mature
  • Necessary.

If you read some of the experts who have recovered from burnout, it is also a key to their recovery. With the help of some good authors and my daughter, I have been reading and learning about the Enneagram. In it I can see parts of myself reflected. More than that, I learn what it means to make an honest appraisal of myself both good and bad. In that I learn about my strengths and weaknesses and limitations. It is once I begin to understand those that I then can begin to gain the strength to truly lead instead of just pretending to lead.

General Savage put on a personality. But he could only sustain it for a period of time. Better would have been for him to know his limitations and to know how he needed to transition to what was true and real. There he would have found more strength.

The other biggest limitation is isolation. He carried the burden alone. He put on the persona that was required of him. He carried the responsibility for everything that was happening. When his commanding general asked him to leave and give up the command of the squadron, he refused. It had become his mission and he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders alone. 

It is a classic fatal mistake. No one was asking him to do this. He was taking it on himself. And it is a very tempting and intoxicating thing to do. The elixir of pride makes this very tempting. It is pride that feels and tastes so good, but which is deceptive and destructive in the end.

I too recall days of this. I remember the middle of the night decisions. The risks and decisions that were so hard to make. I could feel my shoulders get broad as I would hoist the decisions upon them. It would be scary but also, I would feel inflated by the burden. It is a heavy burden and it is something that all of us can bear for awhile. But it is not the right way to do things.

At times I was told that I was wrong. I was wrong to be bearing these burdens alone. They would tell me that no one was asking me to do this. They would reassure me that they would always be there and that we should depend on each other. At first, I would disagree with this and perhaps even take offense at this. “They just do not understand.” Now I see their wisdom.

What am I saying?

Twelve O’Clock High shows us the epitome of leadership in both positive and negative ways. It is important that we be bold enough to step up and lead. The people around us need us – are depending on us to do so. But it also shows us the failings that we so often fall into.

  1. You do not have to lead like other people lead. You may need to take on a role uncomfortable to you for a season, but this is only for a period of time until you can shift to what your role truly ought to be. You must find a sustainable role for yourself.
  2. You must be brave enough to learn yourself. Use whatever tool you find most helpful. I favor the enneagram as one that opens up both your strengths and weaknesses. Whatever the tool it must do both sides. And you must be willing to accept both. From there you can understand what leading means for you in a manner that is sustainable for you.
  3. You must never be alone. We were never intended to go it alone. Figure out your network of support above – alongside – and below you. In this there is great strength. 

I hope this post makes sense? I struggle a bit because I think these lessons are deep and not easily understood. But I am still reading and learning and growing. 

Thanks for letting me think and wrestle with these thoughts with you.