Categories
Being human Medicine Reflections on Life, Being Human, and Medicine

Mentors

I met him when I was a 4th year medical student. My military scholarship allowed me to do an elective each year at a military hospital. I had chosen to do pulmonary medicine at the Naval Medical Center Portsmouth, VA. 

I met him on my first day in the pulmonary medicine clinic. Dr. C was a Captain in the U.S. Navy. He was a specialist in pulmonary medicine. He was a southerner, complete with the soft, lazy sounding accent. I was a young medical student. We both wore the working uniform of the day which were Navy Khakis made of CNT (Certified Navy Twill). He was a Captain. I wore the single bar of an Ensign. 

We went to see a patient with asthma. Perhaps it was the pollen or the flowers in the Virginia area that were causing her problems. They always had such beautiful Azaleas each year in Virginia Beach. Regardless of the cause she had been having multiple flares of her asthma. Each episode brought her to sick call or to the medical urgent care clinic. With the flares she would get a brief course of prednisone and would improve. She had accumulated enough of these that she was in danger of being pushed out of the military.

In order to serve in the United States Navy, everyone had to have a physical examination each year. The primary reason for the physical examination is to determine if you are, “fit for all duty at sea and on foreign shores.” That is the standard for the Navy. Unlike some of the other branches of the military, the Navy feels that based on their mission, if you cannot be fit to do everything, then you are not fit for service.  If you are not fit for service then you receive a “medical board”. A medical board removes you from the military. 

Our asthma patient was being sent to us to see if she should have a medical board. She was 16 years into her Navy career. She could retire in 4 years. With the 20 years, she would have lifelong medical benefits and a lifelong pension. A medical board before that time might give her some disability payment or not depending on whether the board determined if her condition “existed prior to enlistment (EPTE).” Either way she would lose her pension.

Captain C listened to her and examined her. He asked her if she wanted to remain in the Navy. She shook her head yes vigorously. She had committed 16 years of her life to her career. She really wanted to at least get to the 20 years to get her pension. 

Captain C took me out to the charting area. We looked through her record. Charts were paper then. They travelled with every sailor from duty station to duty station. We could see every medical interaction she had ever had. We could see her initial entry into the military, every physical examination, and every clinic visit. He pointed out that she did not have any hospitalizations. Each of her asthma flares had improved with outpatient treatment. 

“Do you know what she needs?” he asked me.

“What does she need sir?” I replied.

“She needs a big jar of prednisone and to be taught how to stay away from us.”  

I can still hear his southern drawl as he said it and that expression, “a big jar…” 

Captain C took a blank consult sheet and started writing on it. His writing wasn’t neat or pretty but it was legible. On one side of the paper, he drew a picture of her chest x-ray. That was his trademark. He always did that. When he was finished writing, we went back into our patient’s room.

“I am going to try to help you finish your career. But you need to promise me that you will work with me.” He then went through a process of teaching her how to use occasional courses of prednisone to counter her asthma flares. He made her promise to not use them too frequently and to call him if the flares became too frequent. He then wrote a prescription for a “big jar of prednisone” and gave it to her.  He set her up for a follow up visit to monitor her progress.

I learned a lot in that first hour in clinic. I don’t know whether he realized it but he was teaching me in ways that went far beyond just lung disease.  

You could always recognize one of Captain C’s notes. On every note he would draw a picture of the chest x-ray. A picture is worth a thousand words. From Captain C I learned that there is a lot more that you can communicate than just the words you write. You should create a full picture of who the patient is and what you thought was going on. For a chest physician looking at the chest x-ray is key. It often means so much more than just reading a sentence about what someone thought the x-ray showed. 

In future years I found myself looking in the charts for Captain C’s notes. I would flip through the pages looking for the rough drawing of the patient’s chest x-ray. A quick look at his note would tell me a lot.  The sketch was always valuable, but I looked for his notes for reasons that went beyond the sketch.

Captain C’s words themselves were about creating a picture of who the patient was and what was going on. His words were honest and plain and to the point. They were important. When you finished reading his note, you could see in your mind and really understand what was going on.  Reading his notes, I could always hear his southern accent in my mind. He wrote exactly like he spoke which was exactly like he thought. He would even put, “I think” in the notes. 

These notes had immense value. They were not some generic worthless writing of the same stuff over and over again. The notes gave you a valuable opinion, insights and a plan for each patient. They contained the thoughts of an expert. 

We get lost today in the world of electronic notes. It is easy to use the computer to generate enormous and lengthy notes that say nothing. I get so frustrated when I see notes that require several minutes to scroll through only to find no expression of human thought anywhere in the note. I would rather have only 1 sentence that showed what the physician thought than 20 pages of computer-generated meaningless data.

We get lost in our communication with each other also. Whenever I blog I find that I write too many words. I have to go back and simplify. I delete words. I shorten sentences. I delete entire sentences or paragraphs that do not add value. The goal is to communicate. If we do that well we create a picture that others can see and understand. 

Often I fill my interactions with others with a flurry of words but only narrowly communicate. Oddly, I am worse at this when it is really important. It feels safer to bury what is really important under too many unimportant words.  I think I fear being blunt, open and honest. 

But from Captain C I learned to say what I think.  In medicine, and in life, when someone is able to do that, as humans we hungrily gravitate toward it. It is like digging through the chart looking for the rough sketch of the chest x-ray that will indicate a Captain C note. We seek it out because there we find reality and truth.

That afternoon we went to the lung cancer tumor board. This is where a group of experts get together to review cases of patients diagnosed with or suspected of having lung cancer. We talk about options and what would be the best care of the patient. 

One patient’s case was presented. He had advanced lung cancer.  Captain C spoke up, 

 “Do you know what this man needs?” He paused for effect and looked around the room.  “He needs a big jar of morphine and a fishing pole.” It truly was the best option for that patient. At that time there was really no effective treatment for him. Any attempts to treat him would just make him feel worse and were not going to help to improve his survival.

I hear people talk about their mentors. Sometimes I feel left out. 

When I hear about a mentor I imagine someone selecting me and then investing hours and hours of focused attention on me. I can’t say that I have ever really had that.

If I am honest, however, I realize that while I haven’t had one specific mentor, I have had dozens. I cherish all of them and what I learned from them. Most of them never realized how they were teaching and molding me. They likely had no idea what a dramatic impact they would have on my life and who I am.

To this day I can still hear Captain C’s voice in my head. Late at night when I am sitting at my computer trying to finish my day’s notes it comes back to me. What should we do for this patient? Should we put in an LVAD? Should we try to push to get him to transplant? Is there anything else? I read the written interpretations of the echocardiograms and the heart catheterizations. The words are empty and lack enough substance to guide my decision making. 

I open up the software and start viewing all of the images myself. As I do I start to get a feeling for what I really think is best. I could have just typed the quick note. Press F2 and select the standard language. Maybe type, “Continue current inotropes. Evaluation in progress.” 

Instead, my memory of Captain C pushes me. I push myself to put a real opinion. I hope that I can be the expert that guides the care to the best options. I start writing what I really think. I hope that will help me the next time I see the patient. Maybe it will help others who also will see the patient?

I saw another patient in the office. He was elderly and frail. He was failing. His heart failure was causing more and more problems for him. The easy path would be to put him in the hospital. I worried that if I did so he would never go home. Being in the hospital is hard on people. We do all sorts of tests on them. With each test we make them “npo” (not able to eat). They come back from the tests exhausted. As hard as we try to keep the wards quiet, there are noises in the night. They never sleep well in the hospital. I have seen so many patients get admitted and then not go home or go home just a shadow of who they were before.

“Do you know what you need? You need to not let me hurt you by putting you in the hospital.” The patient doesn’t know but in the back of my head I can hear a familiar voice complete with his southern accent,  “Let’s come up with a plan to keep you away from the emergency room and the hospital.” 

After we come out the exam room, I explain to the student who is with me that there is some data showing improved survival duration with hospice. “What this patient needs is a big jar of torsemide (a diuretic) and to be home with their family!” 

I try not to say it with an accent, but in my head is Captain C’s voice, southern accent and all. 

I hope he would be proud of me. 

Categories
Being human Reflections on Life, Being Human, and Medicine Reflections on the Christian Life

What Is a Life Well Lived?

Previously I wrote about time travel and figuring out what I would do if I could change how I had lived my life.[i] In the end, I came to the conclusion that the secret was to go forward living each moment as a “life well lived.” 


What is a life well lived?  Everyone will define this differently. What follows is personal. It is what I think and believe. You may or may not agree. I engaged in a brainstorming session to try to figure things out for me. What follows is the result of that.  Ok – Mike, “What is a life well lived?”

What it is:What it is not:
It is a life of meaning and purpose.

It is a life that appreciates what it has.

It is a life that experiences and enjoys each moment. It is active and intentional.

It loves.

It thinks of others and serves others.

It is in the center of God’s will.

It serves the Lord.

It is used by the Lord in ways greater than its capacity to do things on its own.

It is humble.

It is wise.

It is a life of prayerful reflection that listens and is open enough to be guided by the Lord to His purposes and by His direction.

It is following where God has you for the season of life that you are in.

It experiences and enjoys and has gratitude for the good things that God has blessed you with.

It has faith and trusts and endures the bad things of the season that you are in.

It is lived outside of oneself, looking to help others and do good.

It recognizes that this life is not the end. It recognizes that this life is but a part of something greater.
It is not a life that runs around vainly pursuing one thing after another that never lead to anything.

It is not a life of a sluggard. It is not just doing nothing.

It is not pursuing sin or the lusts of the flesh.

It is not necessarily easy.  It is not without pain or discomfort.

It is not always stressed, always pressured, always harried. While that could be needed for a season, when that is sustained that is often vanity – or a punching at the wind.

It is not blind/numb, rushing through life with no purpose or direction.

It often is not directed by one’s own self. 

It is not that we are so incredibly wise that we can on our own figure out and live the life well lived. 

It is not a life to achieve things that must be done in the time here. 

It is not pressured to achieve certain big goals.











I reject the idea of certain things that must be done in this life in order for it to be “complete.”  Completeness will never be achieved in this life.  Completeness only comes in the Lord and will only come once we are in His presence. In this life there is no finish line. There is no magic time when we will have crossed that line and say to ourselves that we have done all that we were supposed to have achieved.

I have found that death always seems to come prematurely. Even for those who are in hospice and seem to not die quickly enough, once they are gone it seems that they should not be gone. The hole that they leave behind seems odd, awkward, and out of place. It doesn’t feel right.

If we try to find completeness in this life, or in the cycle of life and death, we will be disappointed. This life is not enough. It will never be enough. If we try to pretend that it is we create something false.

In that sense – I do not want to talk about a life well lived as a summary or resume of all that has gone before. It is not the person sitting on a veranda pondering with self-satisfaction all that they have done and achieved. That never ends up being quite as satisfying as we think it is going to be.

The life well lived is instead a focus on the life we are living now. 

It is about how we are sailing along rather than focusing on the destination. It is a boat perfectly trimmed doing the best that it can amidst the circumstances. It is not about getting there. It is about how and what we do along the journey.

It is not about finally getting to the goal when all is going to be perfect. That is foolishness. We will never reach that point. Even when we get to the imagined point we often long for what has gone before. 

In this moment, I can think of lots of times in my past that I would love to relive. I imagine days when I was in the Navy. In those times I dreamed of the future but yet now (in “the future”) I would love to go and live those experiences again. I would love to feel the joy and pride of putting my uniform on. I would love to be walking around the squadron. I would love to be coming home to my lovely wife and my giggly little daughters.

So also, retirement is not a wonderful goal in which we are blissful, and nothing is wrong. It too will have its challenges as well as its joys. There will be times in retirement when we wish we could be working and active. 

I believe it is possible to have a life well lived in all circumstances. It is possible to live a life well lived while in the midst of a busy work life. It is possible to live a life well lived in retirement when there is no job to go to. It is about enjoying what is present in front of you. It is about seeking what good and what the Lord would want us to focus on in the place where He has put us.

It is possible to live a life well lived in a pandemic. 

And so, what do we do when we have a choice? Do you work or do you retire? What do you do with your time? How do you find what there is for you to do and enjoy in this moment or this phase of your life?

That is of course the age-old issue of how to discern the will of God for our lives. That can be very challenging. Having gone through that process so many times before, I have learned that the answers are seldom ever obvious or black and white. The process of how to do this is however quite clear:

  • Often the “what to do” is less important than the “how you do it.” God wants us to seek Him and be faithful. When we come to the fork in the road, often He can and will go with us and use us on either path. The path that we choose may be less important than how we conduct ourselves as we go down the path that we choose. 
  • We seek advice – in prayer, from the Scriptures and from wise council. 
  • Talk it out. I do this in writing. I wrote this blog and a previous one because my wife told me I should do so. It helps a lot. Others benefit from doing this verbally. They should find “a safe space” to talk. This means someone who will listen rather than advise. This may take time. If you start to talk and you are sent back pat answers or are not allowed to process, you may have chosen the wrong person or the wrong time to talk.
  • Sometimes we have to just walk forward and ask God in His grace to guide us. If it is not clear which path to take, we just take one and trust Him to guide us to what He thinks best.

Are my current ongoing symptoms a direction from the Lord? Should I be making some changes? Is this an opportunity to live a better life? Should I be working a reduced schedule?

I think there are a couple of things that are clear:

  • The decision is less important than how I live each and every day. What is very clear to me is that I need to live to appreciate and enjoy what is in the day in front of me. I often forget this and regret this. What are the joys and tasks that are in front of me today? 
  • It is also clear that I need to work to regain focus each and every day. I so often lose focus and live in a foolish pattern of not appreciating and not living for the Lord but instead living for myself.  For me, this means prayer and study of the scriptures.
  • I do not and cannot push as hard as I used to. I cannot live a harried life of meeting multiple demands and pressures upon me. It is a time to live a more balanced life. This is a life that works hard but also comes home and does not work all night. 
  • I need and want time to reflect and to write. This is how I think, and it makes me whole in ways that I cannot achieve when I just remain busy. Moments in the morning to reflect and write are a gift to me. They also help to get me focused again.

So – do I change my schedule?

Answer: Not yet.

Answer: Continue to seek the Lord in this.

Answer: I cannot and will not answer all the demands on me. I will achieve what I can in the day that I have and let some things go undone.

[i] https://manmedicineandmike.com/time-travel-cancer-mortality-and-a-life-well-lived/